Review: The Last Stand

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Comeback Role

By Chris Sabga

Release Date: January 18, 2013 – U.S.

Rating: R

Genre: Action

Running Time: 107 minutes

Director: Jee-woon Kim

Writer: Andrew Knauer

Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Forest Whitaker, 

Johnny Knoxville, Rodrigo Santoro, Luis Guzmán, 

Jaimie Alexander, Eduardo Noriega, Peter Stormare, 

Zach Gilford, Génesis Rodríguez, Harry Dean Stanton

Arnold Schwarzenegger is old. It's impossible not to notice. But he wears his age well in "The Last Stand," his first starring role in ten years. It's a wild ride that was well worth the wait.

Ray Owens (Schwarzenegger) is the sheriff of a small town: Summerton, Arizona. Before that, he was a Los Angeles police officer – until he eventually decided that he could take no more of the violence and bloodshed he had to face on a daily basis. In quiet, quaint Summerton, a car illegally parked in a fire zone is what passes for a major crime scene.

As the movie begins, Ray is ordering breakfast in a diner when he notices a suspicious pair of truckers (the main one is played by Peter Stormare, who would look shady even at his own autograph signing). The sheriff orders his inexperienced, inept team of deputies – Jerry (Zach Gilford), Sarah (Jaimie Alexander), and Figuerola (a paunchy Luis Guzmán) – to run the license plate on the computer.

Jerry has a bandaged nose after accidentally shooting himself bloody during target practice. Not only is he incapable of handling a gun, he is also incompetent around technology. Figuerola sighs and tells him to pay attention. A few keystrokes later and they find out the truck is registered to Burrell (Stormare's character).

How would these clueless Barney Fifes ever cope with a real crime?

Of course, it doesn't take long for them to find out. The milkman is murdered (Harry Dean Stanton in a brief appearance). Figuerola thinks it's a burglary gone bad. The sheriff knows better.

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, a dangerous Mexican cartel boss has just escaped. Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) pulls out all the stops to make his getaway: an airlifted van, shooters in ninja outfits, several decoys running around in orange prison jumpsuits, and a souped-up racecar. In other words, just another normal night in Vegas!

It's up to an FBI team, led by Agent John Bannister (Forest Whitaker), to track and stop Cortez. The escaped cartel leader – "a psychopath in a Batmobile" – may be headed to Summerton. Bannister calls the sheriff to warn him of the possibility, only to later to dismiss the idea outright.

It must be a movie rule that the big city FBI agent is always wrong and the small town lawman has all the answers. Then again, to be fair, would you believe a "pissant county sheriff" with an Austrian accent babbling about a temporary bridge the bad guys have built to cross the border? The Oscar-winning Whitaker brings depth and credibility to what could have been a one-dimensional role on paper.

Sheriff Ray prepares for war by bringing out reinforcements: a flaky former Marine (Rodrigo Santoro) and a country kook (Johnny Knoxville) with a large collection of vintage guns that just happen to be perfect for an Arnold Schwarzenegger flick. Oh, and there's a school bus too. Just another pleasant morning in Summerton!

"The Last Stand" is vintage Schwarzenegger: witty one-liners, over-the-top action, and just plain fun. It never quite scales the heights of his all-time classics, such as "Total Recall" and "T2," but it's a worthy addition to his filmography and a great welcome back party. 

Review: Fun Size

Teenage Hangover

By Chris Sabga

Release Date: October 26, 2012 – U.S.

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Comedy

Running Time: 86 minutes

Director: Josh Schwartz

Writer: Max Werner

Cast: Victoria Justice, Jackson Nicoll, 

Chelsea Handler, Josh Pence, Jane Levy, 

Thomas Mann, Thomas McDonell, 

Osric Chau, Thomas Middleditch, 

Johnny Knoxville

What I initially expected out of "Fun Size" was a teen version of something like "The Hangover." However, upon seeing the childish orange Nickelodeon logo, my hopes were dashed and I had to severely temper my expectations. Well, as it turns out, the Nick branding is completely misleading.

In a movie like this, the plot isn't terribly important, but here goes: Wren (Victoria Justice) is forced take her little brother, Albert (Jackson Nicoll), out for Halloween. Their recently-widowed mother, Joy (Chelsea Handler), is still grieving the loss of her husband and is spending the evening with her much younger boyfriend, 26-year-old Keevin (Josh Pence). That means Wren can't go to the big party. For her, it's a teenage tragedy on par with "Romeo & Juliet" because she was invited by the most popular boy at school, Aaron Riley (Thomas McDonell).

O M G!

But it gets worse! While trick-or-treating, Wren loses Albert. She enlists the help of her best friend, April (Jane Levy), to find him – and it isn't long before a nerdy boy, Roosevelt (Thomas Mann, "Project X"), and his Asian sidekick, Peng (Osric Chau), join the search.

Typical teenage fare so far...

Then a giant chicken humps a car.

A girl allows a boy to feel her breasts.

Various adults "hang out with," kidnap, or make otherwise inappropriate jokes about an 8-year-old.

We're introduced to two lesbian hippie parents who speak in ancient pre-Christian languages.

Not to mention guns, feces, and a deranged cameo by Johnny Knoxville.

Is this really what's being marketed to kids these days?

Don't worry, I'm not about to step on some soapbox. All that really matters to me is whether I personally had a good time watching it.

The script isn't particularly original and the jokes are geared toward the lowest common denominator – nothing here will win any awards, that's for sure – but I did laugh.

Some of the scenes are funny, and a few moments near the end are actually touching too.  

What more could I possibly ask for? Well, many things. But "Fun Size" is a fun movie.