The Last Dragon

Inspired by Bruce Lee and Infused with Motown, the Glow is Still Strong Three Decades Later

By Chris Sabga

Release Date: March 22, 1985 – U.S.

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Action, Comedy, Drama

Running Time: 109 minutes

Director: Michael Schultz

Writer: Louis Venosta

Cast: Taimak, Vanity, 

Christopher Murney, 

Julius J. Carry III, 

Faith Prince, Leo O'Brien, 

Mike Starr

With the timing and impact of a well-placed kung fu kick to the head, Berry Gordy's "The Last Dragon" flips all stereotypes, expectations, and preconceived notions upside down. A black teenager is a martial arts master, his parents run an Italian pizzeria, and Chinese kids are hip hop experts.

A project this grand, bold, and quite frankly weird could only have been made in the 1980s.

Following in the footsteps of Bruce Lee, Leroy (Taimak) embarks on a quest to become a kung fu master himself and find his "golden glow." Standing in his way is Sho Nuff (Julius J. Carry III), a Harlem street fighter with fancy footwork of his own. Unlike the honorable but naive Leroy, Sho has no problem breaking both laws and bones if it suits his purposes.

It's the classic tale of an underdog overcoming adversity vs. a bully. That could be why, thirty years later, "The Last Dragon" still lives on. Despite being an obvious product of the '80s, the movie's main message – to always be yourself – will resonate with any generation.

There's also a wacky subplot involving a singer, Laura Charles (the always gorgeous Vanity), who hosts her own show. A corrupt executive, Eddie Arkadian (Christopher Murney), wants his girlfriend's music video to appear on Laura's program – and he'll do anything to make that happen for his "beloved" Angela (Faith Prince). It isn't long, of course, before a chance meeting occurs and Leroy is forced to use his feet and fists to protect Laura from Arkadian's gang of goons.

Taimak projects the perfect combination of innocence and fighting spirit as Leroy. Notice the name Leroy: it has to be a sly reference to the character's hero, Bruce Lee. (There is a treasure trove of Bruce Lee footage featured in the film.) Julius Carry is equally hilarious and menacing as the villainous Sho Nuff. But one of the best – and most underrated – performances comes from Leo O'Brien, who plays Leroy's streetwise younger brother. He grounds the film in a reality it wouldn't otherwise have.

One of the fun bonuses of an older movie like this is seeing future stars pop up in smaller roles: I spotted William H. Macy, an almost unrecognizable Chazz Palminteri ("A Bronx Tale"), a very young Keshia Knight Pulliam (Rudy, "The Cosby Show"), and Mike Starr (Frenchy, "Goodfellas").

I was smiling from ear to ear during "The Last Dragon" – it seems impossible not to. This is the kind of movie you can watch and your worries will melt away – for a couple of hours, at least. A unique style, great fight scenes, catchy dialogue, cool New York backdrops, classic '80s special effects, and memorable Motown music all make this an incredibly fun experience.

Review: Mr. Holmes

Ian McKellen Struggles with "A Slight Trick of the Mind" as an Aging Sherlock Holmes

By Chris Sabga

Release Date: July 17, 2015 – U.S.

Rating: PG

Genre: Crime, Drama, Mystery

Running Time: 104 minutes

Director: Bill Condon

Writers: Jeffrey Hatcher (screenplay), 

Mitch Cullin (novel)

Cast: Ian McKellen, Laura Linney, 

Milo Parker, Hiroyuki Sanada, 

Hattie Morahan, Patrick Kennedy, 

Roger Allam

There is a mystery in "Mr. Holmes," but that's only part of the story. This incarnation of the iconic detective (played by the superb Ian McKellen) is an old man now. He has given up sleuthing and lives only with his housekeeper, Mrs. Munro (Laura Linney, with an English accent), and her young son, Roger (Milo Parker).

Why did Sherlock Holmes retire, what really happened during his final case, and whatever became of his assistant Dr. Watson and brother Mycroft?

This film – based on the novel "A Slight Trick of the Mind" by Mitch Cullen – is divided into three equally important sections and switches between them:

Present day: Holmes is old, frail, and losing his memory. He tends to his bees outside, with the help of his willing little assistant, Roger.

Trip to Japan: A fan of the Sherlock Holmes books, Tamiki Umezaki (Hiroyuki Sanada), wants to meet the man himself and invites him to Japan for a visit. While there, Holmes looks for "prickly ash" – a plant that is said to restore the memory.

His final case: A younger – but still aging – Holmes is hired to investigate a case involving a husband and wife, Thomas (Patrick Kennedy) and Ann (Hattie Morahan).

Because Holmes is ill, elderly, and his memory is diminishing, he can't remember all the details of the case or exactly what led to his retirement.

"Mr. Holmes" has fun with the legend of Sherlock Holmes. It plays around with the concepts of truth, fiction, and the importance of both. According to Holmes, the books based on his cases are somewhat embellished – how, exactly, I'll leave you to discover. On that note, there's a terrific scene with Holmes watching one of the movies depicting his younger self – "Sherlock Holmes and the Lady in Grey" – but don't go looking for it, because it's not real. There's also a great cameo for eagle-eyed fans of a young Sherlock Holmes – which I wouldn't dream of spoiling. To be honest, I wasn't even aware of it until after the fact.

At the heart and soul of the movie is the tender mentor-student relationship between Holmes and the boy. As Roger, newcomer Milo Parker delivers an outstanding performance that is every bit the equal of Ian McKellen's. That's no easy feat, because McKellen himself is fantastic as he switches between the great man with a gleam in his eye to the aging, fading legend who can barely get out of his own bed. He makes his incredible acting appear effortless – but it isn't, of course. The makeup department should also be commended – for somehow masterfully transforming McKellen into an aging version of Basil Rathbone, Nicholas Rowe, or whichever Holmes you consider your favorite.

Once upon a time, Sherlock Holmes was the world's greatest detective. But even the best of us get old. Soon, all that remain are memories. When those begin to go too, what else is left? "Mr. Holmes" delicately but firmly addresses the aging process.

There is a development in the third act – which may or may not involve Holmes at all – that had everyone in the theater on pins and needles. I will say no more.

If you're expecting simply another cracklin' crime caper, stick to the books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or seek out the older movies with Rathbone or the multitude of others who have donned the cap and coat over the years. "Mr. Holmes" is so much more than that – and so much better for it. It's a fresh, fun, thought-provoking take on an old classic.  

Five Reasons to Watch Grace and Frankie

One of the Year's Best Shows is on Netflix – and You Might Have Missed It!

By Chris Sabga

Original programming is one of the most important staples of any channel or service – and Netflix has become a heavyweight contender in that arena over the past few years. With shows such as "Daredevil," "Bloodline," and "Orange is the New Black" grabbing all the headlines, you might have missed out on a little hidden gem that was also recently released on Netflix: "Grace and Frankie." It's about two women who are forced to make a sudden and unexpected change in their lives after receiving shocking news from their husbands.

Here are five reasons you should be watching it, and one (minor) disappointment:

Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin: 35 years after the groundbreaking "9 to 5," Fonda and Tomlin have finally reunited – and it was absolutely worth the wait. Their chemistry is every bit as great today as it was back in 1980 – maybe even better!

Martin Sheen and Sam Waterson: Before "Grace and Frankie," I wouldn't have ever imagined these two working together – especially in this context. Age suits Martin Sheen well – he has turned into an adorable puppy dog grandpa type. And Sam Waterson is pitch perfect as an old, gay, Jewish hippie – it's the role he was born to play.

Great guest stars: Including Christine Lahti ("Jack and Bobby"), Corbin Bernsen ("Major League"), Brian Benben ("Dream On"), Craig T. Nelson ("Coach"), Michael Gross ("Family Ties"), Ernie Hudson ("Ghostbusters"), and many more. This show clearly attracted the cream of the crop.

Characters named Coyote and Nwabudike: You gotta love that! In fact, all of the supporting cast members – Ethan Embry, Baron Vaughn, Brooklyn Decker, and June Diane Raphael – accomplish the rarer-than-you-think feat of being ideal secondary characters. They enrich the main storyline without being overbearing or ever taking anything away from Fonda, Tomlin, Sheen, and Waterson.

The perfect mixture of comedy and drama: Some episodes are hysterically funny. Others are more serious and somber. But almost all of them are both – bittersweet in some way.

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My only disappointment (if you can call it that): No cameos from the other two stars of "9 to 5," Dolly Parton and Dabney Coleman. Then again, that's probably as illogical as expecting S. Epatha Merkerson from "Law & Order" or Rob Lowe from "The West Wing" to show up. (Of course, I wouldn't have minded that either!) Maybe in the second season... They did manage to throw in one sly reference to Parton though: a mention of "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas," which, of course, she starred in.

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Why you should watch it: With wonderful actors, great writing, and a fantastic premise, every episode feels like a special treat. The situations that unfold on "Grace and Frankie" are happy, sad, comical, serious, scary, and downright real and messy – just like life. 

Review: Sophomore

A Sophomoric Teen Comedy with Heart

By Chris Sabga

Release Date: October 7, 2014 – U.S.

Rating: NR

Genre: Comedy

Running Time: 98 minutes

Director: T. Lee Beideck

Writer: T. Lee Beideck

Cast: Robert Keiper, Amanda Plummer, 

Patrick Warburton, Kyle Wigent, Jared Bearce, 

Amaury Batista, Cory Mellor, Laura Carboni, 

Jamie Cobb, Ronnie Lewis, David Spiecher, 

Kristin Vahl, Cameron Bloomer, 

Chris "Smitty" Smith, Jeffrey Ferguson, 

Christian Bocka, Erin Foley, Brian Osborne, 

Matt Roe, Tree Clemonds

"Sophomore" is a strange little movie that ends up being quietly memorable and oddly endearing. It's a coming-of-age story with teenage gross-out hijinks. There's vomit, feces, and female breasts. But there's also a lot of heart.

The film is split into several sections: First Day of School, Freshman Friday, Drink King, and others – culminating, naturally, with the Last Day of School. Each little vignette focuses on different students, faculty, and staff.

There are a few name stars, but the cast is comprised mainly of unknowns and newcomers. They can't all be great actors, but none of them are bad either – and there are several surprising standout performances.

Robert Keiper is downright fantastic as a cool history teacher everyone calls Cap. Classroom scenes rarely work in movies, but Cap is the kind of educator most kids dream of having. The sophomores in his classroom certainly admire him. Keiper's IMDB profile is shockingly slim for such a great actor, but he apparently has plenty of experience doing theater, voiceover work, and audiobooks.

Amanda Plummer's angry, lonely math teacher, Miss Hutz, is the opposite of cool or well-liked. After she goes on a verbally abusive tirade and kicks a slacker named Lionel (Jared Bearce) out of class, he plots his revenge – by planning to sneak into her too-big house and use her toilet. Yes, sophomoric. Seeing his "deposit" there, he feels, will unnerve her. Much like her Oscar-winning father Christopher Plummer, Amanda Plummer knows how to craft a complex character with a wide range of emotions and nuances. Her heartfelt scene with Robert Keiper is one of the best in the film.

Dave Spiecher – who plays Blank, a 20-year-old high school senior – steals almost every scene he's in. Like most of the cast, he's been in hardly anything else (and, sadly, nothing since "Sophomore"). One of his funniest moments takes place on the first day of school in a freshman English class. While taking attendance, the teacher calls out the name "Thomas Chatham." Two students raise their hands – Blank and the real Thomas Chatham (Matt Roe, who also hasn't been in much, unfortunately). Now the poor kid is put in the awkward, uncomfortable position – on his first day of high school, no less, which is nerve-wracking enough on its own – of having to convince everyone that he actually is Thomas Chatham. The horrified expression on his face is priceless as he insists that "I'm Thomas Chatham!" in a frustrated, pleading voice. It's a small role, but the young actor makes the most of it. The facial reactions from the teacher, Miss Sawyer (Tree Clemonds), are also perfect.

Freshman Friday is a longstanding tradition at Helen Keller High where its newest students are egged, wedgied, and otherwise hazed. The freshmen in the movie look like little kids while the sophomores look far older than their 15 years – but maybe that's the point.

Another comical scenario involves Pam (Laura Carboni), Eddie (Amaury Batista), her cute green car, and her even cuter dog. The girl who plays Pam looks the right age or slightly younger, and is one of the better actors in the ensemble. However, the performer portraying Eddie – according to IMDB – is ancient for a high school sophomore. (Amaury Batista was born in 1972!) Likely, that's part of the joke too, because he gets a fake ID and no one bothers to card him.

A secret drinking contest is held after-hours at the school among the faculty and staff – including the janitor (Patrick Warburton) and coach (Brian Osborne) – with the winner being crowned the "Drink King."

Along with the sophomoric shenanigans, there's a side story involving a group of 7th graders – Bob, Elroy, Jeff, and Lenny (Cameron Bloomer, Jeffrey Ferguson, Christian Bocka, and Chris "Smitty" Smith). They're now discovering the opposite sex, and one of them has a crush on a pretty high school girl. Her name – appropriately enough – is Honey Brubaker (Kristin Vahl). She's Lenny's older sister, so the boys plan a sleepover at his house to get closer to her. This leads to a sweet scene between Bob and Honey. The performances from the four middle-schoolers are generally more natural and convincing than many of the older "sophomores" in the cast – probably because they haven't reached that age of self-consciousness yet.

There are other characters as well – maybe too many to keep track of – but almost all of them contribute to the narrative in some meaningful way. "Sophomore" is full of great moments – both funny and poignant – and much credit for those has to go to the writer (and director), T. Lee Beideck.

One of my favorite small touches in the film is a billboard outside the school with quotes on it: "The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend." – Abraham Lincoln

I'm curious about the long road this movie went through to finally be seen. I don't have any concrete details, but behind-the-scenes shots and publicity photos were posted on Facebook all the way back in February 2009. IMDB indicates that it didn't come out for another three years after that – January 13, 2012, to be exact – but no other details are offered. (Perhaps it was shown at a film festival?) Meanwhile, the film's official Facebook page lists October 7, 2014 as the release date (I'm assuming that was its video-on-demand debut). I can't speak of any potential financial or distribution issues, because I simply don't know. I can only speculate that it was possibly a bit too weird and off-kilter to sell easily. Whatever the reason is, I'm glad it's available to a wider audience now.

Much like the teenagers in it, "Sophomore" has its fair share of zits – and shits and tits – but even with all of the imperfections inherent in a small movie like this, everyone involved was clearly passionate about it and believed in what they were doing. Its honesty and earnestness won me over.

Matt's Movie Mortuary: My Favorite Friday

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter – Only If You Stop Counting

By Matt Wintz

Release Date: April 13, 1984 – U.S.

Rating: R

Genre: Horror

Running Time: 91 Minutes (Theatrical), 

97 Minutes (Uncut)

Director: Joe Zito

Writers: Barney Cohen and Bruce Sakow

Cast: Corey Feldman, Kimberly 

Beck, Erich Anderson, Judie Aronson, 

Crispin Glover, Peter Barton, 

Lawrence Monoson, Camilla More, 

Carey More, Ted White

A bit of a bonus review for the Mortuary since it's been a while, as I wanted to take my first stab into the "Friday the 13th" series. Instead of starting at the beginning though, I decided to look at my favorite entry and also the movie that I think pulls off a perfect slasher film: the 1984 fourth chapter dubbed "The Final Chapter" although that would be untrue. However, that wasn't how it was originally planned.

The movie is pretty standard for the slasher genre at the time, thanks to the slasher boom in cinema the first "Friday the 13th" started in 1980. A group of teenagers/twenty-somethings are vacationing by a lake just days after Jason Voorhees had been taken down (as seen in flashback scenes from "Friday the 13th Part 3"). The movie does a great job of giving anyone new to the series some backstory, using "Friday the 13th Part 2's" campfire story from Paul, mixed in with scenes from the first three installments, to set up the Jason Voorhees mythos. We then get a shot of Jason still motionless in the barn, axe imbedded in his mask and head, and taken to the morgue. While Jason revives and murders a nurse and morgue attendant, we get introduced to the main characters Tommy and Trish Jarvis, and the house full of expendables. Notable entrants in this movie are Corey Feldman as Tommy and Crispin Glover as Jimmy. Just a year later, both these two would see great career moments with The Goonies and Back to the Future respectfully.

We are given insight that young Tommy is a monster mask/special effects kid and he goes through the swing of being a kid with young women next door, which makes for some interesting moments in the film. Trish is the protective older sister, trying to keep Tommy from both breasts and a serial killer throughout the movie, all-the-while with a feeling of young adult angst that she doesn't partake too much in the partying next door. As stated above, the house next door and the young people inside aren't of serious consequence, they are fodder for Jason. The character of Rob, a big brother from one of Jason's victims in "Friday the 13th Part 2," is portrayed as a possible male hero, but even he falls to Jason. This leads to the fateful showdown between Jason and Trish and Tommy, one in which Tom Savini's make-up effects are on full display to end Jason once and for all.

Or at least, that's how the movie was originally intended. Like I said, from a story aspect this movie doesn't do anything slasher films haven't done before, but it's in the spirit that they are done that make it excel past a majority of the movies done before it and during its time. Slasher movies are, to their detriment at times, formulaic. This movie is not a break from that, but its embrace of the formula is what makes it work. Jason isn't relegated to being a shadow a lot, you see him do the killing. The special effects, by wizard Tom Savini, marks Savini's return to the series since the first installment, and he shows off some of his great work here. It has even been mentioned that the reason he came back was to make sure Jason stayed dead. Joe Zito directs with a steady hand, showing that this wasn't going to be just a slapped together effort. The movie, from a slasher and horror film fan's point of view can be quite close to perfect: iconic villain, fun relatable hero, excellent special effects and kills, nudity and sex, drugs, weird 1980s dancing, and a good amount of jumps for a first time viewers.

The movie was intended to be the final chapter in Jason Voorhees' legacy, but that changed when the movie became such a hit. Made for only $1.8 million, the movie grossed $32.6 million and cemented the idea that movie-goers weren't intent on saying goodbye to Jason quite yet. This led to the resurgence of the series and the fifth film (which I know I'll review later), but this is the final chapter of "real Jason." Part five has a twist ending and part six begins the "zombie Jason" films, so here in part four we are given our last look at a realistic Jason. While some might think to themselves "How can he be real if he was chopped in the head with an axe in part 3?", and that question is not without merit, it can be explained as just being a serious wound not a kill-shot. The movie also creates Jason's most notable nemesis Tommy Jarvis, who appears in parts four through six, although Feldman wouldn't return to play him full-time.

Personally, this movie is not only my favorite of the series, but my favorite slasher movie ever. I watch this film on any "Friday the 13th" I can, and I remember fondly when I saw it for the first time. A good friend of mine and I would rent VHS horror movies from Hollywood Video when we were in high school or right out of it, spending our $2 a tape on four or five movies. We'd then go to one of our houses, grabbing food on the way, and settle in for an all-day horror fest. There were days when we'd get there in the morning when they opened and nine hours later bring back the movies, kindly rewound, and pick up more. "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter" was the fourth of the series I had ever seen (in order – Part 3, Part 9, Part 1, than Part 4) but as soon as I saw it I was hooked. Jason Voorhees became my favorite horror movie character, I learned what the term "Dead F––" meant, and Corey Feldman became much more than just a Goonie to me.

So in honor of this amazing film, I don my hockey mask and remind you that the Mortuary is now closed.

Review: Falcon Rising

An African-American War Hero vs. the Japanese Yakuza – in Brazil

By Chris Sabga

Release Date: September 5, 2014 – U.S.

Rating: R

Genre: Action, Adventure

Running Time: 103 minutes

Director: Ernie Barbarash

Writer: Y.T. Parazi

Cast: Michael Jai White, Neal McDonough, 

Laila Ali, Jimmy Navarro, Masashi Odate, 

Millie Ruperto, Lateef Crowder

John "Falcon" Chapman (Michael Jai White) is an action hero who can do it all. He's good with a knife, great with a gun, and a superb martial artist who knows how to use his fists and feet.

He also places bullets in shot glasses, adds whiskey, and then spits out those same bullets and uses them to play Russian roulette. Suffering severe PTSD from his time as a Marine, Chapman has a death wish. Hint: Don't rob a convenience store when he's in it, because he doesn't care who lives or dies – including and especially himself.

His sister, Cindy (Laila Ali, daughter of Muhammad Ali), is concerned about his well-being. But he's worried about her too. Her work with kids – in the favela (slums) of Brazil – is dangerous. It isn't long before she's brutally beaten there and left for dead. The silly bastards obviously didn't realize that she's Muhammad Ali's daughter John "Falcon" Chapman's sister. (Side note: Michael Jai White's breakthrough role was as Mike Tyson in the 1995 HBO biopic "Tyson." Now he's acting with Ali's daughter.)

The local authorities (Jimmy Navarro and Lateef Crowder) inform the U.S. consulate for Brazil (Neal McDonough) of the attack. They're surprised when he recognizes her. He may be a suit-and-tie for the government now, but he was once Chapman's brother-in-arms in the military. The "Falcon" is then forced to clear the cobwebs and take a trip to Rio de Janiero to avenge his sister.

The unique location – bright, colorful, dangerous Brazil – is enough to set "Falcon Rising" apart from the glut of other action movies out there. The crazy plot also helps. There are child prostitutes, a twisted "nurse" (Hazuki Kato), the Yakuza (Japanese mafia), and vicious 1-on-1 street fights initiated by a police officer – Thiago (Navarro) – who's almost a Brazilian version of Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis) from "The Shield." The no-nonsense, beret-wearing street cop at the scene (Millie Ruperto) does not approve of her superior officer's unorthodox tactics, but he reminds her to remember which side she's on.

According to the film, Brazil has the largest population of Japanese people in the world – outside of Japan itself, of course. That's where the Yakuza comes in – particularly Hiromoto (Masashi Odate), whose ridiculously long sword, he promises, can slice through anything and anyone.

Needless to say, all of this can get pretty silly. "Falcon Rising" doesn't take itself too seriously, and that's what makes it fun. The fight scenes seem to be taken straight out of a video game, which is usually a bad sign, but it somehow works here.

This is a throwback to the movies of an earlier era. The body-count in this film is excessively high. Dozens of people are shot, stabbed, and beaten at will. Human lives in this movie are disposable and do not matter. If that level of thoughtless, reckless, irresponsible violence offends you, then you clearly did not grow up in the '80s, where titans with names such as Arnold and Sylvester racked up dead bodies more often than most people take breaths.

There is rarely a dull moment, but that's not only because of the wild action and over-the-top set-pieces. Beyond that, there's a decent story here with interesting characters and a fun mystery to follow.

It's always nice when a film comes out of nowhere and is a genuine surprise. "Falcon Rising" is the first of a planned franchise. I'm ready for more!

The 87th Annual Academy Awards: Results and Reactions

Boyhood vs. Birdman – The Oscars Grow Up and Soar Into the Sky

By Chris Sabga

Before the Show

The big buzz this year seems to be centered around "Boyhood" vs. "Birdman" and which one will win? Almost everyone I know seems to admire "Boyhood," but very few can bring themselves to love it. Will that spell success for "Birdman"? Or will the two front-runners split the vote, leading to an upset victory for one of the other six movies? (Yeah right! But stranger things have happened.)

The Red Carpet

I'm sure that one actress looked great and that other actress over there looked like she was wearing a garbage bag or brick wall. And did you see that hideous suit/hairstyle/facial hair on that actor who was in that movie.

The Oscar Ceremony

Full results are listed at the end.

I enjoyed the unexpected involvement of Anna Kendrick and Jack Black in the opening number, and Oscar host Neil Patrick Harris (NPH) being inserted into past classics such as "Risky Business" and "Willy Wonka," among others. It was a fun segment – if a bit long – and you have to admire how much work NPH must have put into it.

NPH delivered a great zinger equating "American Sniper's" box office success to Oprah – who was in the audience – with the other movies' respective earnings being compared to everyone else in attendance.

I was hoping against hope that Robert Duvall would win for Best Supporting Actor, but I knew better. I am very happy for J.K. Simmons though, who has long been one of my favorites and absolutely deserves to be rewarded on Oscar's grand stage. He is a hard-working journeyman actor, and exceptionally good at what he does. It's nice to see his years of supporting roles and small parts – including, seemingly, a million and one episodes of "Law & Order" – finally pay off.

Octavia Spencer is sitting next to her "Red Band Society" co-star Charlie Rowe. It's a shame that show didn't last.

I'll be a broken record about this every year, but these live musical performances only slow an already overlong show to a crawl. I really wish the Oscars were shorter and more streamlined. That isn't a criticism of the artist, who was fine, just the sluggish format of the Academy Awards ceremony in general.

I really hope NPH is joking about the overly-expensive and unnecessarily exorbitant gift bags the Oscar attendees receive – but I doubt he is. Doesn't Hollywood realize how that comes across to the rest of the world?

I really thought "Foxcatcher" would win for Best Makeup and Hairstyling. Was I the only one? But "The Grand Budapest Hotel" got it. I guess Lobby Boy's hairstyle really wowed the Academy.

It's no Adela Dazeem, but Chiwetel Ejiofor is a chewy mouthful, to say the least. I'm glad NPH got it right...I think.

"Ida" is pronounced "Eeda," apparently. I'm glad it won. But bad form, Academy, for trying to cut off Pawel Pawlikowski's acceptance speech. I wonder how Pawel Pawlikowski is pronounced.

LEGOs are awesome, and this musical number is awesomely weird as hell – blue tuxes, rats, cowboys, construction workers, astronauts, Batman, and other references to the movie and toy line. Where can I get one of those amazing LEGO Oscar statuettes?

"The Phone Call" won Best Live Action Short. Yes! Yes! Yes! Another successful Oscar pool prediction for me!

I need to win an Oscar now so I can get a free donut from the Pump Street Bakery like the "Phone Call" folks.

When there are two Oscar winners, I hate it that only one of them is seemingly "allowed" to really speak – as was the case with "The Phone Call." That "rule" didn't stop the "Crisis Hotline" winners though, and good for them!

Silver Screen Sister the Second: "John Travolta looks like wax plastic." Poor Vinnie Barbarino.

Harry Belafonte after winning the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award: "Arts are in fact the voice of civilization." I like that.

NPH is right: British accents really do make everything better.

Silver Screen Sister the Second: "You can tell Oprah is still aggravated with him [NPH] about the joke."

I really want Patricia Arquette to win for Best Supporting Actress. Like J.K. Simmons, she has been around a long time and really deserves the recognition.

Silver Screen Sister the Second (about Meryl Streep): "How is this Oscar worthy?" My response: "Because it's [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] Meryl Streep, and they have to nominate her for everything."

Patricia wins! Patricia wins! Patricia wins!

Her sentiment about wanting equal wages for working women in America is admirable – I agree wholeheartedly – but is this really the place for it? I hate it when Oscar winners use the ceremony as a soapbox for unrelated causes, no matter how noble they may be. Besides, no one else will ever be able to top Marlon Brando's bizarre, outlandish stunt on behalf of Native Americans. (Look it up, kids.)

And … Silver Screen Sister the Second taps out after an hour-and-a-half! "Would you be mad if I went home?" She left right before the musical number. Smart sister!

Kevin Hart – who is presenting the Best Animated Short – is surprisingly natural and convincing reading lines that were most likely written for someone else.

Finally, The Rock has come back to the Academy Awards!

He and Zoe Saldana are presenting the award for Best Animated Feature.

The Rock: "I can remember crying my eyes out during The Lion King."

Zoe Saldana: "How old were you?"

The Rock: "Not important."

He was 20. That was genuinely funny.

NPH introduces the President – long pause! – of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I saw the punchline coming a mile away, but the joke still worked.

We still have – assuming my count is accurate – ten awards left, and I'm getting sleepy. That isn't a criticism of the show, which has been fine – I just wish it were faster.

For all of the grief "Queen Meryl" gets, Meryl Streep did a beautiful job of introducing the "In Memoriam" segment.

Geoffrey Holder (Punjab from "Annie") died? No! I knew about most of the others, but for some reason, that one caught me off-guard and made me especially sad. Childhood memories!

How in the hell does "Boyhood" lose for Film Editing? ("Whiplash" won instead.) "Boyhood" should've snapped this up, if nothing else. I am guessing this doesn't bode well for its Best Picture chances. Does "Whiplash" now have an outside chance for the big prize, based on this surprising result? We'll see.

I don't usually notice these things, but Octavia Spencer's dress is absolutely gorgeous. Fascinating fact from her: In response to Martin Luther King Jr.'s death in 1968, the Oscars were postponed that year. I never knew that.

NPH on Benedict Cumberbatch: "It's not only the most awesome name in show business, it's also the sound you get when you ask John Travolta to announce Ben Affleck." Then Adela Dazeem herself – Idina Menzel – is announced afterward with Travolta, who finally gets her name right (he famously mispronounced it last year). And, as he's about to say the names of the nominees for Best Original Song, she offers to do it instead. That's great.

"Selma" wins Best Song, and this may be the speech of the night.

"Secrets and Lies" commercial: Ryan Phillippe's name is pronounced "Fill-a-pee," not "Fill-eep-ay"? Now I feel like John Travolta. So does everyone who thinks Ralph Fiennes' name is pronounced "Ralph." (It's "Rafe." Go figure! And "Fines," I assume. I'd hate to find out it's "Fee-en-iss" or something like that.)

Seven awards left. Yep, this is going past midnight. At least it doesn't feel slow.

Julie Andrews hugging Lady Gaga after Her Ladyship's tribute to "The Sound of Music" may be the sweetest moment of the evening.

Graham Moore, winner for Best Adapted Screenplay for "The Imitation Game," revealed that he tried to commit suicide when he was 16 because he felt "weird" and "different." Unlike Patricia Arquette's earlier aside about equal wages for women, this made more sense for him to bring up in the middle of his Oscar speech because it was a personal and heartfelt story from his own life, and a nice contrast to his present circumstances of accepting an Oscar.

"Birdman" won Best Director – and several others. "Boyhood" only won Best Supporting Actress. I think it's obvious by now that this won't be "Boyhood's" night.

Eddie Redmayne wins Best Actor, and he's clearly overcome by the moment. I always prefer these emotional speeches to bland blathering thanking the Academy, family and friends, cast and crew, pet goldfish, etc.

That Best Actress clip for "Gone Girl" is a major spoiler. Why do the Oscars always do this?

NPH's "Oscar predictions" – a hilarious recap of the show instead of the expected list of which films he thought would win – was pretty clever. Overall, he was a pretty good host – friendly, funny, and a comforting presence – a modern-day Billy Crystal in a way (and that's high praise coming from me). I hope he returns next year.

Best Picture, finally. Will we get an upset?

Nope. "Birdman" wins.

I wrote that before "Birdman" was announced.

I was right!

The tale of the tape:

Birdman – 4

Boyhood – 1

I wasn't expecting it to be quite so lopsided.

"The Grand Budapest Hotel" also won four awards.

During the Best Picture award, "Birdman" director Inarritu started talking about Mexico. After giving so many other speeches already tonight, maybe he finally ran out of things to say about the movie?

Full Results

Best Picture: "Birdman"

Best Director: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Birdman"

Best Actor: Eddie Redmayne, "The Theory of Everything"

Best Actress: Julianne Moore, "Still Alice"

Best Supporting Actor: J.K. Simmons, "Whiplash"

Best Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette, "Boyhood"

Best Original Screenplay: Alejandro Inarritu, Nicolas Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris Jr., and Armando Bo, "Birdman"

Best Adapted Screenplay: Graham Moore, "The Imitation Game"

Best Animated Feature: "Big Hero 6"

Best Foreign Language Film: "Ida" (Poland)

Best Documentary – Feature: "Citizenfour"

Best Documentary – Short: "Crisis Hotline"

Best Original Score: Alexandre Desplat, "The Grand Budapest Hotel"

Best Original Song: John Legend and Common, "Glory" ("Selma")

Best Sound Editing: "American Sniper"

Best Sound Mixing: "Whiplash"

Best Production Design: "The Grand Budapest Hotel"

Best Cinematography: "Birdman"

Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Frances Hannon and Mark Coulier, "The Grand Budapest Hotel"

Best Costume Design: "The Grand Budapest Hotel"

Best Film Editing: "Whiplash"

Best Visual Effects: "Interstellar"

Best Live Action Short: "The Phone Call"

Best Animated Short: "Feast"